Wasting my Life..

There is  a song I knew in High School that said something along the lines of, "I'm wasting my life waiting for you, yes it's true, I've been wasting my life on you." In general I'm pretty sure the song is about waiting for a person to fall in love with you, but my Love loves me and this is not relevant for me in that context. However, it seems to fit perfectly with other relationships in my life at times. For some people it's really hard to go out of their comfort zone and check on people, ask how their day is going or how it went and that sort of thing. Mostly, I am blessed and this is not my trial. This does not mean that it's all peachy and wonderful. There are moments when I feel that I have reached the last straw or the last attempt at friendship. I keep asking and hoping and my heart is out there dieing for that moment when they call and say, "hey lets get together and chat!" or  "how are you today?" But instead I have somehow hit a wall. The wall that says, thanks for being my friend but I'm not really interested in you being my friend or frankly of being your friend in any way. I know I am guilty of doing this to others. I have a friend right now who seems to be reaching out to me and lets face it I'm sucking at being her friend back. I need to step up because honestly, I do want to be her friend. Which, also leads me to believe that I could be completely misjudging the situations with people who have done this to me as well. It's strange when I feel like I have wasted time trying to be friends with someone and then I often feel stupid. Then there is that tiny bit of hope still left in my heart that says, maybe this time they will actually want to reciprocate. So, eventually I keep trying. Being friendly can hurt, but being a loner always hurts, at least for me.

Remembering the Moment

My son is approaching 2 years old. He has a little time still but in my mind it's pretty close. There are moments when I'm watching him run in the backyard, because he loves to run, and he gets to the bottom of the tiny hill and he laughs out loud. Or when he's pushing the little tykes car around and around the yard just because he can. It is at those times that I think to myself, I want to remember this moment forever. I realized yesterday that often after thinking that I do not give the moment a second thought and the memory is actually lost from my mind. I want to remember yesterday when out of nowhere in the car I said, "say it." referring to nothing in particular, and he said, "I.. love.. Mommy." I want to remember the moment today when he looked at me and said, "I.. am.. AWESOME!" He seriously amazes me everyday. He is so sweet. I know he will not always be the way he is now and I want to remember. It kills me when he goes to hug another child and they looked at him with a terrified expression and push him down. He then looks at me with a very confused look on his face that seems to ask, "why momma? What did I do wrong?" It's those moments when I want to take him and run, but instead I look him in the eyes and say something like, "you're ok bud. Hugs are good, you did nothing wrong. Be strong! Lets see your muscles!" and I give him a smile. I want him to know that even though he's been pushed down he can pick himself back up. It's hard though. I don't want him to learn how to fight, but I do want him to learn how to be strong. He really is AWESOME! He really amazes me and teaches me and brings me such joy. Don't get me wrong he is still a toddler, but I want to remember these amazingly sweet and pure moments of joy and love. I believe children are a gift from heaven.