Wasting my Life..

There is  a song I knew in High School that said something along the lines of, "I'm wasting my life waiting for you, yes it's true, I've been wasting my life on you." In general I'm pretty sure the song is about waiting for a person to fall in love with you, but my Love loves me and this is not relevant for me in that context. However, it seems to fit perfectly with other relationships in my life at times. For some people it's really hard to go out of their comfort zone and check on people, ask how their day is going or how it went and that sort of thing. Mostly, I am blessed and this is not my trial. This does not mean that it's all peachy and wonderful. There are moments when I feel that I have reached the last straw or the last attempt at friendship. I keep asking and hoping and my heart is out there dieing for that moment when they call and say, "hey lets get together and chat!" or  "how are you today?" But instead I have somehow hit a wall. The wall that says, thanks for being my friend but I'm not really interested in you being my friend or frankly of being your friend in any way. I know I am guilty of doing this to others. I have a friend right now who seems to be reaching out to me and lets face it I'm sucking at being her friend back. I need to step up because honestly, I do want to be her friend. Which, also leads me to believe that I could be completely misjudging the situations with people who have done this to me as well. It's strange when I feel like I have wasted time trying to be friends with someone and then I often feel stupid. Then there is that tiny bit of hope still left in my heart that says, maybe this time they will actually want to reciprocate. So, eventually I keep trying. Being friendly can hurt, but being a loner always hurts, at least for me.

Remembering the Moment

My son is approaching 2 years old. He has a little time still but in my mind it's pretty close. There are moments when I'm watching him run in the backyard, because he loves to run, and he gets to the bottom of the tiny hill and he laughs out loud. Or when he's pushing the little tykes car around and around the yard just because he can. It is at those times that I think to myself, I want to remember this moment forever. I realized yesterday that often after thinking that I do not give the moment a second thought and the memory is actually lost from my mind. I want to remember yesterday when out of nowhere in the car I said, "say it." referring to nothing in particular, and he said, "I.. love.. Mommy." I want to remember the moment today when he looked at me and said, "I.. am.. AWESOME!" He seriously amazes me everyday. He is so sweet. I know he will not always be the way he is now and I want to remember. It kills me when he goes to hug another child and they looked at him with a terrified expression and push him down. He then looks at me with a very confused look on his face that seems to ask, "why momma? What did I do wrong?" It's those moments when I want to take him and run, but instead I look him in the eyes and say something like, "you're ok bud. Hugs are good, you did nothing wrong. Be strong! Lets see your muscles!" and I give him a smile. I want him to know that even though he's been pushed down he can pick himself back up. It's hard though. I don't want him to learn how to fight, but I do want him to learn how to be strong. He really is AWESOME! He really amazes me and teaches me and brings me such joy. Don't get me wrong he is still a toddler, but I want to remember these amazingly sweet and pure moments of joy and love. I believe children are a gift from heaven.

Ultrasound Tech

I really wanted to be a creative writing teacher for a long time. I loved my creative writing class in High School and really enjoyed the classes in college as well. I love the outlet and that nothing can really go wrong, you can just let your imagination run free. Recently, I've been on Facebook more than I should admit and they keep having that add pop up that says something like be and ultrasound tech today. Whenever I see this add I really want to actually be an ultrasound tech today. I wish I could do it. It's giving me desires to go back to school. I even asked my husband last night what he thought and being the great man he is he said, "do it! Look it up and figure it out." I really feel like I should be home with my baby right now and not away at school or working regularly so I don't think right now is the right time but I am going to keep this idea in my mind for the future. I was speaking with my mother-in-law about the silly Facebook add and she said it had had the same effect on her as well. So now I'm wondering, do adds on Facebook sometimes get you thinking or interested?

Movie Moments

There are times in my life where I have had what I call a movie moment. Those moments are the ones that you think will never really happen to you. You know, you see them in the movies and you think, "that never happens in real life!" Like the moment where the girl in the beautiful dress walks down the stairs and the guy she crushes on looks up at her and has "that" look on his face. There is that outpouring of emotion in the moment and it always makes me think, that could never happen to me and then one day out of nowhere it does. Maybe not exactly like the movie showed it but the emotion and the crush and the wow factor are all there. I could also call these moments dream moments. I often dream this way and always have. In high school I called them "what ifs". For example I often found myself thinking things like, what if the guy I really like just dropped by tonight and brought me flowers or left me a note. Pretty much I talked myself out of having the "what if" day dreams because lets be honest, I started really wanting those kinds of things to happen and in the end nothing is ever going to be as amazing or as beautiful as my imagination can create. Now that I've had a few movie moments and a few "what ifs" come true I know that dreaming isn't bad, as long as I can keep it in check and not let my heart be caught up in the illusions and fantasies. Some of my favorite memories include:

• Walking into a reception and having my crush from years ago look up at me with "that" look on his face. I literally asked my cousin who was standing right next to me, "did you see that?" and she responded with "oh ya!" 
• Dancing on the runway in Arizona as the sun was setting with my fiance'
• Walking out of temple after my wedding and seeing the most amazing snow I've ever seen falling. That was such a cool feeling. The love of my life and I were married and the snow was gorgeous!
• Seeing my dad in the parking-lot after a marching band performance.
• Of course, holding my son in my arms for the first time and knowing that he was/is mine forever

There may be other moments that can fall in this category but really the movie moments are few and far between for me. However, when they happen they really blow me away and it's almost as if the emotion of the moment is enough to last a life time!

Making you have fun

Sometimes I think as adults we know things are fun that our children haven't experienced yet so when the are afraid we make them do the fun thing. When I was young I didn't understand that boating was fun and wake boarding was fun. There were times when I cried because I was made to get in the water. In the end I'm grateful someone made me over come that fear and I can now go and have a great time. Today I took my son to the Aquarium. It was not really a fun experience for me. I mean the penguins were neat to watch but keeping my son from running off was hard work. When we came to the stingrays he really wanted in the water and threw a fit because I wouldn't take his shoes off and let him in the pool. I tried to help him have fun by pointing out the fish and trying to have him be patient and wait and watch and that sort of thing. In the end he is just too young for that kind of fun. In a few years maybe we'll try again, for now we will stick with the kiddy pool in the backyard and other activities that require less patience and wonder.

Negative Happiness

Lately, it has bothered me that whenever something happy is going to happen I get people who just hate happiness making comments to me. Or at least it seems that way. For example, when someone is getting married they always seem to find something awful to say "oh just wait until the honeymoon is over and the bills start coming." or "You're pregnant? You just wait until you're up all night with a barfing child!" Why on earth would I wait for those moments? True, there are hard things about pretty much everything in life but why would I wait for those moments? Why do people seem to want to kill the happiness of the exciting news or moment? So, my goal is to say positive things like, "You just wait until she smiles that first time!" Or "Just wait until you buy your first home together!" things that make the happiness even more exciting. I hate doomy gloomy outlooks, why not hope for rainbows and sunshine (or a nice rainstorm depending on what makes you happy). I hope in the hard times I can endure it well and in the end go to heaven smiling because the happy moments over came all the negative.
Note: I am not perfect but I'm trying

Eeze

I've decided to title this blog Eeze, because that is what I'm going to call my line of homemade items. I'm also wanting this to be my easy place where I can write and chat about whatever pops into my head.